NUTS NUTS NUTS: #2017MMM Wild Card Recap

Hello ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, mammals and…. reptiles (I see you frontin’, Gila Monster),

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“WHO ME? I’M TOTALLY A MAMMAL. A TROJAN HORSE, TO BE EXACT.”

Welcome to the first recap of MAMMAL MARCH MADNESS 2017! I am your co-recapper, Matt Gaboury, and am very excited to be joining Jen here all March long to provide you with our #2017MMM battle recaps and reactions (and GIFS, lots and lots of GIFS). It’s the perfect option for all of you that are busy/lazy/confused by the technology of youths to read through all the tweets that the Mammal March Madness organizers devote so much time and expertise to…

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I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO KILLED EACH OTHER

But really, we definitely do encourage you to read as much of the battles as you can because there’s where all the science and research will be found. While I do have a degree in Political Science, I was recently informed that’s apparently not actually a real science (even though science is in the NAME?!?!?), so I guess I’m not much help there. (Wait till I start game theorizing the heck out of these battles though.)

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THEN AGAIN IF SCIENCE WAS PRESENTED SOLELY IN GIF FORM, MAYBE PEOPLE WOULD PAY MORE ATTENTION. JUST SAYING, NERDS.

So, anyway, on with why we’re all here. THE WILD CARD BATTLE ROYALE! That’s right, the very first battle of the March Mammal Madness tournament took place tonight and for the first time ever the wild card match was a FOUR WAY EXTRAVAGANZA to see which mammal could work its way into the official bracket (and let’s be honest here, into the stomach of the sabertooth).

Also a first this year? The battle was not tweeted but ACTED OUT BY HUMAN BEINGS IN SEMI SHODDY COSTUMES IN FRONT OF A GREEN SCREEN. It doesn’t get better than this, people. I won’t accept anything less than you watching the whole thing, so take six minutes to view this masterpiece and then we can get to my reactions (and boy, do I have reactions).

Wow. Okay.

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Yes, somehow the squirrel lobby pulled ANOTHER ludicrous victory out of their bushy tails. Another year, another chance that a lot of nuts/money is going into the pockets of the Mammal March Madness organizers in order to let these dang things eke out an unearned victory. Sciuridae? More like CONSPIRIDAE. (I’m not afraid to call out powerful special interest here, folks. THIS IS AN INDEPENDENT RECAP.)

Some other thoughts.

  1. A FISHER WAS SCARED OFF BY A MONKEY SLAPPING ITS HANDS ON THE GROUND? Okaaaaaaaaay. Let me just quote from the fisher’s Wikipedia page here:

    Observational studies show that fishers will make repeated biting attacks on the face of a porcupine and kill it after about 25–30 minutes.

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  2. Yo, snow leopard, there’s a BATTLE ROYALE going on. Maybe the time for frolicking is, I don’t know, LATER?!giphy4
  3. Did the organizers really bring a baby monkey into this and then make us think the cute adorable little fluffball died after falling off a tree? That is not cool. If I wanted my heartstrings pulled like this, I’D WATCH GREY’S ANATOMY.giphy5
  4. I’m onto you, squirrels. Watch your back.giphy6

That’s all for today. I need time to process this.

Don’t forget the first round of real battles takes place Wednesday night! Jen will be here with all the highs, lows, and vitally important GIFS. Until then, may the mammals be ever in your favor!

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3 thoughts on “NUTS NUTS NUTS: #2017MMM Wild Card Recap

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