And the Oscar Goes To…. #2017MMM Round One Adjective Mammals Recap

Greetings, sleepy mammals. All caught up on your shuteye after staying up until past 11 last night to watch the Adjective Mammals battle it out in a stunningly Oscar-length round one of 2017 March Mammal Madness last night?

I’d like to thank the Academy… and my great, great collaborators in my adjective mammal realm… and that incredibly inspiring Rhesus Macaque from the wild card battle… I mean, your facial expressions were just…. I can’t. I can’t even. Such art. No really, it’s an honor just to be nominated, and all of you are SO talented… I could really just go on and on….

Welcome to the second recap of MARCH MAMMAL MADNESS 2017! While not technically one of “the youths” (Matt’s words), I will be reporting back weekly from the bleeding edge of the Twitterverse to bring you recaps and reactions to the #2017MMM battles. Unlike Matt’s hilarious first entry into our recap series, this recap is going to have to be short, because in the few brief hours that have passed since the epic and drawn-out finale to last night’s battles, I have been focused on other priorities, such as sleeping, having breakfast, and working at my full-time grown-up job.

In all seriousness, it seems that the excitement and interest in March Mammal Madness has just continued to grow, and with the addition of new partners and battle narrators this year, the organizers appear to be in the process of working out the kinks a bit. Hopefully tonight the action will get back to the regularly scheduled 2 hour run time, and we can all go back to spending that last hour of our evening on trash talk and/or looking for hilarious GIFs to sum up the battles.

First matchup: Sac-Winged Bat vs. Spectacled Bear

Insert sac-based jokes. Insert hilarious animals with glasses pictures. Stinky spray rains from the bat down onto the bear, perfuming the air and giving momentary hope to the bat fans in the audience. But all it takes is the swipe of a paw, and…. well, you know what comes next.

I have glasses! I’m a smart bear! I mean dog! Bear dog! Woof! I like cheese!

Yes, beardog. You guessed it. Spectacled Bear wins.

Next up: Clouded Leopard vs. Silky Anteater

OK, first of all, can we all just agree that a silky anteater sounds extremely fancy? Like, this is an anteater that has some very refined tastes and insights.

BRING ME YOUR FINEST MALBEC.

Sadly, as pretty much anyone with a Google machine and half a brain could predict, the Clouded Leopard made short work of the anteater by applying its skills of being a GIANT CAT THAT EATS THINGS LIKE THIS. Although, this video from a camera trap of a face-off between a leopard and an anteater is not to be missed. Despite all this, Clouded Leopard wins.

Next up: Long-tailed Pangolin vs. Spotted Skunk

Did anyone else pick their bracket solely based on the potential to have a “things that roll up into a ball” matchup in round two between the pangolin and armadillo? No? You realized that would be an extremely stupid strategy for completing a competitive bracket? You think I’m an idiot? WELL.

Anyway, as it turns out, ALL MY DREAMS HAVE BEEN TURNED TO DUST. On the bright side, the spotted skunk knows how to breakdance, and we had a rare chance to witness the line “Check yourself before you wreck yourself, B” during battle narration. Spotted Skunk wins.

Next up: White-Headed Capuchin vs. Burrowing Bettong

So, a monkey vs…… this thing?

Bet Sarlacc, every time.

Hmmm, well as it turns out, White-Headed Capuchin monkeys are clever little animals. And burrowing bettongs do not have NEARLY as many teeth as the Sarlacc. Also, did anyone come across this bracket while doing research? Please observe the BLOODY ROCK clutched in the fist of this sweet innocent primate:

Prophetic bracket drawing courtesy @simian_smail

White-Headed Capuchin wins.

Next up: Brown-Throated Sloth vs. Banded Linsang

This one was a straight-up forfeit, because rather than show up for his battle, the sloth was busy, apparently off doing this (sound on):

Banded Linsang wins.

Next up: Pouched Rat vs. Bat-Eared Fox

OK, Internet. This is a little lecture for you. YES, we know you like really cute mammals. YES, we know having giant ears is one of the documented rules of cuteness. But what about the under-appreciated creatures of the world? Where is the deer tick fan club? The ironic earthworm trucker hats? The websites dedicated to the ground-weaver? EXACTLY. Nowhere. That’s exactly it, Internet. You didn’t realize how badass the pouched rat (aka “pouchy”) really is. And now it’s back to take its payment.

What do you mean I didn’t win? My ears are frickin adorable! ADORABLE I TELL YOU!

Pouched Rat wins after the fox quits the field of battle. Loser.

Next up: Screaming Hairy Armadillo vs. Hairy-Nosed Wombat

This one is simple to summarize. Play the video below, but imagine you are trapped in a wombat cave with it reverberating and bouncing off of every surface.

Screaming Hairy Armadillo wins.

Final battle: Maned Wolf vs. Red Squirrel

This battle lasted waaaay longer than the others it seemed, which is either because the organizers are clearly in cahoots with the #SquirrelLobby and wanted to prolong the suspense, or because everything seems like it takes 50 times longer when the night is already way over time. Let me sum it up. It was a wolf. Versus a squirrel.

 

Maned Wolf wins.

Until next time…. which as I look at the clock, is in like two damn hours. Matt will be back tomorrow (or maybe this weekend) with a much more thoughtful selection of GIFs and many, many thoughts about the Bilby.

Until next time, mammals…. keep your tails up.

 

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