And we’reeeee back. With “basketball” March Madness and “mammal” March Madness about to start living in a world with each other, this will be shorter than my last diatribe. You’re lucky, folks. Saved by the basketbell. (See what I did there?)
TWO ANIMALS. ONE MAMMAL. We complete the first round with a region that sounds like the opening lines of a trailer for a very promising SyFy Channel Original Movie. Let’s do this.
#16 Shrew Mole vs #1 Bear Cat
The mole is a cute little thing, but it’s also a mole. If Jen and I had the production budget of ESPN, I’d have our stats person check to see if a mole has ever won a Mammal March Madness battle, but since our budget is zero dollars, I’m going to say no it has not. It certainly has not won a battle against a Bear Cat because in this specific instance the Bear Cat literally ate it. BEAR CAT WINS.
#3 Hog Badger vs #14 Deer Mouse
Honey badger don’t care and neither does the hog badger when it comes to this basically blind mouse. Game, set, match. Hog Badger Wins.
P.S. What doesn’t win is my confidence in my Final Four pick Hog Badger after learning it only eats earthworms. Clearly I had gotten a little sloppy in my research by the end of the bracket…
#4 Spider Monkey vs #12 Kangaroo Rat
Another little thing vs a much bigger thing. And while a rat recently won an important election in this country (I COULDN’T RESIST, SORRY), the kangaroo rat is fated to meet the same fate as the two little ones that came before him. (Except instead of getting eaten he gets squeezed to death. Ouch.) SPIDER MONKEY WINS.
#6 Bear Cuscus vs #11 Mouse Oppossum
Well this is unfortunate. As the “mouse” in the name would suggest, the mouse opposum is, you guessed it, tiny. As the “bear” in the name would suggest, the bear cuscus is less tiny. Although this is slightly different in that the napping Bear Cuscus had nothing to do with its own victory as the rascal opposum scampered off the playing field in pursuit of a tasty insect, the big thing still won. This is getting predictable, folks. BEAR CUSCUS WINS.
#7 Hog Deer vs #10 Squirrel Monkey
Antlers/Horns > No Antlers/Horns
TAKE IT TO THE BANK.
HOG DEER WINS
#5 Otter Civet vs #12 Antelope Squirrel
Here we go again. Little thing vs bigger thing. We all know how this is going to end.
NOPE. Because this is no normal little animal. This is a SQUIRREL. And the fix is in for these devious little creatures. I admit, using the flying squirrel as a decoy was genius. We all breathed a sigh of relief when the sabertooth won out, kicking ourselves for ever believing in such silly conspiracy talk. Here was proof that nothing untoward was going on. Here was proof that everything was legit.
IT WAS ALL A TRAP. All a distraction from the real madness. The antelope squirrel was where things came to a head. Stunningly, the squirrel lobby hired a bulldozer to plow down the rainforest and scare away our endangered civet competitor. ANTELOPE SQUIRREL “WINS”.
#2 Leopard Cat vs #15 Grasshopper Mouse
Dang. The grasshopper mouse is fierce for its size. These badasses take on venomous centipedes and scorpions, no problem. Unfortunately, they are not in the pocket of a paid and shadowy squirrel government, so reality wins out and LEOPARD CAT WINS.
#9 Raccoon Dog vs #8 Tiger Quoll
Finally, two even sized competitors. One a dog that looks like a raccoon, i.e. the worst animal in the world. (I SAID IT AND I MEANT IT, RACCOONS.) The other a quoll that looks like a tiger. No, I did not know what a quoll was before this tournament. BUT I SURE DO NOW. These fiesty little things put the mad in March Madness and this quoll wasn’t taking crap from no trashy looking dog. TIGER QUOLL WINS.
That’s all she wrote, folks. The first round is in the books. Hearts have been broken. Brackets have been broken. Trust in the system has been broken. And lots and lots of mammalian bones have been broken.
What will the second round have in store? You can find out tomorrow night! I, however, will find out on Friday because the real human Badgers are playing tomorrow night and there’s no way I can handle two simultaneous shots of adrenaline to my heart.
Good night and good luck!