And Then There Were *Four: #2017MMM The Elite Trait Recap

Fellow mammal haters, (I mean can we really claim to love them when every match we are setting them up for some kind of unsightly demise?)

Welcome to the Elite Trait! (#2017MMM organizers I see what you did there) Where there will be grand adventures to far off habitats (desert, chaparral, fen, and laurel forest) and probably some death.  I take that back…. I think that is a certainty at this point.


We are to the point of the tournament where the rules are changed up a bit. Instead of the top seed having home habitat advantage, battles this round were  randomly assigned from the four habitats listed above. (see the pretty colors) *No I’m not providing you links to learn about the habitat types (the battles didn’t include them so I’m not either) Do your own *&@%! Googling.  This new random battle ground assignment definitely adds a twist.

Enough of the boring stuff on with the MEAT….


Battle One: #7 Seed Hog Deer vs #4 Geoffroy’s Spider Monkey

*Hold up—Anna in your last update it wasn’t clear that the Spider Monkey advanced. I mean the Bear Cat was grumpy and swatted at the whiny loser monkey scaring him away?!? EXACTLY. I took that recap straight off the @2017MMMletsgo twitter feed which re-tweets the battle tweet for tweet and yet SOMEHOW a fig appears and distracts the Bear Cat and the Monkey swoops in for a victory the Storify version…  If this doesn’t smell fishy I don’t know what does.


I think we should ALL mount a campaign to #FREEBEARCAT and demand that the servers where the tweets are kept be thoroughly inspected to make sure there hasn’t been any outside interference from the likes of #Bigsquirrel and the #squirrelobby (Can we all just agree that monkeys are basically the squirrels of tropical forests). There I said it. I’m not afraid.


What’s that you say? That I’m being Alarmist?!?! That structures of the MMM tournament will be strong enough to withstand any such meddling… and you’ve accepted the legitimacy of current standings and all you want to see is a peaceful transition to the next battle. All I can say is… #RESIST


In a world where Squirrel Monkey wins fairly and not under a cloud of illegitimacy here is what happened next.

Both animals are transported to a laurel forest (Google it folks, I’m not going to spoon feed every single detail) in Sierra de las Minas mountain range in eastern Guatemala. And low and behold the Spider Monkey is super warm and happy and this place is just like the forest he usually hangs out in. THAT’s CONVENIENT.  ANNNNDDDDD Hog Deer is terrified and sad and basically deals with all his problems by becoming a Hog… putting it’s head down and running as fast and as far away as possible.  *Full disclosure this is how I deal with most problems too.

Spider Monkey wins… *cough cough


Battle Two: #1 Spectacled Bear vs #2 Clouded Leopard

This battle takes place in Chaparral habitat in the Santa Monica Mountains. (Here let me help you find google). Hypothetically, what do you think would happen if a 43lb dog were to encounter a 190lb Wolf.  (They exist I asked our good friend google) Let’s just say that dog was stupid enough to sneak attack said wolf and make him VERY VERY angry. Yeah, basically what you have imagined in your mind right now is what happened.

Happy bear, dead cat.

dancing bear

*For those of you who’ve been following along for awhile this continues the feline species inability to advance into the final bouts of the tournament…  can we all say #CATSCANDAL (If you don’t you think some of these bigger cats think squirrels and monkeys are a pretty tasty treats… whelp I think you might need to check back into reality.)

Battle Three: #1 Honey Badger vs #2 Guanaco

For this battle we find ourselves in the deserts of north east Brazil. Apparently both animals are pleased with this random assignment. Guanaco starts out strong (which if you watch the battles live is pretty much always bad news) she even gets a full kick right into the badger’s jaw… and yet one leg sweep later the scene is blood, entrails, and a full badger. (Can we just stop for a minute and consider how can a Badger physically do a leg sweep? Is that even possible? I want proof!!) RIP Guanaco.

Honey badger.gif

Battle Four: #4 Short Faced Bear vs #5 Neanderthal Hunting Party

Apparently Neanderthals fall for the same tricks that their human cousins do in horror movies. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. There is some kind of fight and/or discussion and the group ends up splitting up. Guess What!?! The results end up to be the exact same too. You would think over the millennia we would have learned our lesson by now. But no. Short Faced Bear enjoys a light snack on 2 Neanderthals. I’m guessing that will put him in good shape for the final roar. (For those who’ve found your new found love of googling things this battle took place in the fen.)


All right for those who have bought into the peaceful transition bull crap  that is where things stand. For the rest of us. Stay vigilant and let’s be careful out there.


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